It used to be that I would walk into a room full of guys and immediately assess each one’s “date-ability”. Seriously, for a while that’s all that I thought guys were good for, dating and flirting. Subconsciously, I thought they we’re all checking for me too, so I would get all these shy butterflies thinking a cute guy in class was looking at me when in fact, he was looking at the last classes notes. Talking to guys used to make me nervous too because I always thought they were checking for me, when they may not have been. This anxiety y’all was powerful and pitiful. Ever since my sophomore year of college…okay, maybe freshman year, every guy was a potential in my head and at the time, this was logical. I mean, according to circa 90’s Disney Channel, everyone’s just trying to find love right?! Wrong, thankfully.
Today was one of the first days that I can remember in the last few days that I sat in a room full of guys, relaxed and actually had a good time. Like, no pressure fun. And y’all, it was so great! I laughed like a nerd, I danced around, I was comfortable in my body, I cracked jokes and it helped create an environment that was comfortable for everyone and it was baller. Of a room of maybe 15 guys I was only really making awkward eyes at one, and that was just because he kept chatting me up and it was late, and I was unable to answer simple questions, and he just didn’t get my sense of humor which…is unfortunate for him because I’m hilarious. Anyway, here is to celebrating small victories! I think that the barrier of my desire to be perceived as dateable, and always checking for a significant other have been one of the things that has kept me from being myself in front of others and that’s just not good. Sometimes I think back and I realize what cool relationships I could’ve had if I hadn’t tried to turn them into more than friendships, and it reminds me of why this moment is good. It’s teaching me that I can have fulfilling platonic relationships with men that are as fun as my relationships with my female friends. I’m so excited to see what kind of friendships this will bring. So, here’s to new friends and small victories.
I’m thanking God for this growth y’all!